About guilt over parental relationships and panic attacks
As psychologists and psychotherapists say , many problems stretch back from childhood. I was no exception, as my family was and is very restless. The relationship between the parents was similar to sadomasochism. I took everything that happened at my own expense – I took on all the emotional burden and tried to figure out what was wrong, what was happening.
From early childhood there were seizures. I woke up in fear, with a rapid heartbeat and thought I was dying. Once they even called an ambulance. Then I realized that these were panic attacks.
When I left for the dacha to my grandmother, who lived far from my parents, it became calmer, and I came to my senses. And then everything came back again, depression, apathy. This is how I lived and grew.
About dissatisfaction with your appearance, diets and breakdowns
During adolescence, any teenager, boy or girl, begins to change, and something starts to annoy him. It happened to me too. I was no longer satisfied with my appearance.
I did not develop relationships with young people, but I really wanted to communicate and please everyone. The advertisements on TV showed girls with beautiful figures, perfect faces and perfect teeth. I thought that I needed to change my appearance – then I would become popular and attractive, and they would want to communicate with me.
I couldn’t think of anything better how to start losing weight. I was not fat at all , rather slender and even underweight. 55 kg for my height is an adequate weight, but I was still afraid. The fear of “being fat” remains with me to this day.
55 kg for my height is an adequate weight, but I was still afraid. The fear of “being fat” remains with me to this day.
I started losing weight with one apple a day. Then she refused food. There was no strength . Weight loss occurred over time and was replaced by bouts of bulimia. That is, at first you do not eat anything , and then you “gorge yourself” like a pig. The food has nowhere to go, it doesn’t fit anymore , but you eat it. You understand with your brain that you need to stop, but saturation does not come. Eat indiscriminately until you burst.
By fits mingled with a sense of guilt. Dislike of himself turned hatred and self-destruction. I wanted one thing – to lose weight, but I got the opposite effect.
About the first experience of treatment with psychiatrists
This period came at the time of graduation from the technical school. I had to go on a big voyage, arrange life, think about who to be. But it turned out that I wanted only one thing – to become perfect. It was self-destruction in the literal and figurative sense, physically and mentally, mixed with guilt, prolonged depression. My poor health got worse.
It was very bad at the peak, and I asked for help. Through the diagnostic center in Krylatskoye, I was sent to the hospital of the NCPZ RAMS. I was crying, I had tantrums, and I agreed to treatment in a psychiatric hospital, the main thing is to overcome depression.
For the parents, this decision came as a shock, and they drifted away. How come? Is your own child a nutcase? They accused me and my grandmother. Help me get out of depression? There was no question of that!
I wanted something completely different. I wanted my mother to hug and say that everything will be all right. But that didn’t happen. In the pope and the mother was hysterical, we have almost ceased to communicate.
I wanted my mother to hug and say that everything will be all right. But that didn’t happen. In the pope and the mother was hysterical, we have almost ceased to communicate.
I went to a psychiatric clinic for about three weeks. To cope with depression, I was prescribed medication and talking to a psychologist.
The medication was quite harsh, and I ate almost nothing . On an exhausted body, this probably had an even greater effect. It was impossible to live on such drugs, I stopped thinking. I did not become calmer , there was no improvement .
I did not acknowledge my responsibility, self-destruction and the fact that it was caused by my experiments with weight. I blamed anyone. I blamed my relatives for ruining my psyche, but I did not think that I also had a direct relationship to this. I could only cry and could not explain anything . I didn’t understand how to get out of depression. Working with a psychologist yielded nothing .
I realized that I had to be discharged, because I did not see the effect. Doctors said to take medicine after discharge, for a very long time, because the disease does not go away so easily . I did not attach any importance to this and stopped taking medications one day. I decided that I could cope with depression on my own. It was a new shock – I think drug withdrawal symptoms are about the same. I didn’t know what to do to get better. It was terrible, killing sensations, when you are twisted and turned inside out, and you fall somewhere.
I did not attach any importance to this and stopped taking medications one day. It was a new shock – I think drug addiction withdrawals are about the same.
Health has not improved, relations with family have not improved. I lived with my parents. She worked as a seller in a pet store. Before that, I graduated from technical school, then went to college.
About depression and suicide attempts
During depression, there is no strength even to brush your teeth or go to the toilet. Not that there is no incentive – no strength. That is, you are not only emotionally drained, you are also physically drained. I don’t know how it all happens, but it’s just like all the juices have been sucked out. It was severe depression. The maximum that you can do is lie down all day, you can lie down indefinitely. It’s just, really, lying and poking at the phone, it’s pointless to dig in the Internet. You can read it too, by the way. But, accordingly, all the literature, all the music, all that is around, everything is so depressing and dull, because you don’t want to rejoice at all.
We ‘ve had two suicide attempts. The first sad experience happened in adolescence, when the changes began. The second attempt happened when I began to live on my own. It was not so long ago, maybe seven years ago.
I call this feeling “immersion.” As if you go deep, deep to the bottom. You see everything that is happening, but you can not interact, contact, survive depression and get up yourself very, very difficult.
I call this feeling “immersion.” As if you go deep, deep to the bottom. You see everything that is happening, but you can not interact, contact, and it is very, very difficult to rise yourself.
About finding a doctor
I tried to contact various specialists, looking for ways to overcome depression. I decided “damn it, die – I am not dying, to live – I do not live, I have to do something about it.”
I went to neurologists. The neurologist prescribed antidepressants that helped fight depression, gave a certain period of remission. But after the cancellation, everything began to gradually return.
I tried to go to my place of residence, to a psychiatric dispensary. Most often, psychiatrists prescribe antipsychotics – rather heavy drugs. They do not ask the question, what was the root cause, how to help a person get out of depression? They somehow do not search deeply . Therefore, I was afraid to go there further.
I called the doctor at home. The doctor was like, “Yes, you are not good there …” Well, of course, I understand, but what to do?
I called the doctor at home. The doctor was like, “Yes, you are not good there …” Well, of course, I understand, but what to do?
The health experiments were not in vain. I got a rare autoimmune disease. It is not easy to identify it, because it is disguised as other diseases: asthma, bronchitis. From time to time I went to the ambulance in the hospital because I could not breathe. After the drug was canceled, everything came back again. The last time I got to the hospital with hemoglobin was 37 (the hemoglobin norm for women is 120–140). We searched for a long time, about a month. So much blood has never been taken for analysis . Still, it was revealed that this is an autoimmune disease. They began to give large doses of hormones, and I was blown from 55 to 80 kg.
My attending physician was a rheumatologist, who told me: “Look, I don’t know how and what you ’ll do, but you have to find a psychotherapist. Not a psychologist, you have to find a psychotherapist! How it will be, I do not know. “
I listened. My struggle with depression began. Gathering all the willpower that I had, into a fist, I found the address of a private clinic, learned how it works. It was far away for me, because I lived in Lobnya, and the Alliance was located somewhere in Belyaevo. I arrived at the Alliance without an appointment . I asked if there is a specialist who can take it right now. I, they say, really need it. Nino Anatolyevna was summoned.
Nino Anatolyevna received me, listened attentively. I don’t remember the details of the conversation . But, most likely, I told that everything is very bad, and I do not know how to overcome depression and apathy. Of course, I wanted to be given a miracle pill, and it all went away instantly. But that doesn’t happen.
Of course, I wanted to be given a miracle pill, and it all went away instantly. But that doesn’t happen.
After the first session no winging, no enthusiasm, no joy, I do not feel it. But I realized that it was necessary. I didn’t know what to expect from a specialist, because we didn’t know each other, and how psychotherapy would be conducted. But I agreed, and I had to move on, get rid of depression – that’s what I knew. How it would be, good or bad, I did not know. There was, of course, internal resistance. But something pushed me forward.
I started to study with Ashmeib Nino Anatolyevna. Our meetings took place in the form of a conversation. I was expecting something, I wanted a miracle. Just to directly take all my sorrows, sorrows, and heal me, suggest how to help yourself with depression. That’s what I wanted. Nino Anatolyevna said: “No, dear, you have to work with yourself!” Well, she didn’t say that, but I realized that our meetings would go that way. Internal resistance persisted. “Damn, how is that? What’s this? I don’t understand how it all works. “
About the tasks of the psychotherapist, which left the most vivid impression
At one of Ashmeiba’s sessions, Nino Anatolyevna gave me a knitted cat. Said: “This is you, in childhood, in adolescence. You must say all the warmest words. What would you like to say? How would you support yourself? ” It was complicated. Simple words are hard to say to yourself. Nino Anatolyevna made it clear that this is self-hatred , which was formed from childhood. Hatred grew with me, it did not go anywhere and destroyed me from the inside. Self-digging, self-deprecation.
This hatred is a great destructive force, and it destroys not only you, but also your environment. That is, everything that is happening around, of course , will seem disgusting. I had to accept myself. I had to somehow fall in love with myself, start to respect myself. Because I am fat, imperfect, mentally unbalanced, somehow not like that; because people do n’t like me, as I thought.
Another task given by Nino Anatolyevna was to buy a cream and smear herself with love. The simplest task, but how to start touching yourself with love? When you hate yourself, when you are fat, you hide your whole body. It is unpleasant to touch. You hide it all, especially when you are full. It’s even unpleasant to touch yourself. And then you need to smear with cream. I bought the cream and smeared it on, but, of course, without much zeal and special love. I did it through force. Not very often and not as perfect as possible, but I tried.
Another task given by Nino Anatolyevna was to buy a cream and smear herself with love. The simplest task, but how to start touching yourself with love?
About life now and plans for the future
The condition has stabilized. I don’t remember at what point I felt better. Gradually, step by step, everything went away, everything negative. It became calm. I was able to get rid of depression. I enjoy life. Lots of emotions.
I ‘m not the only one who enjoys life. What is happening around is also charged by what comes from within. I noticed that people are changing, my relationships with others, and everything is working out.
Now I also have to take antidepressants – maintenance dosage. Ashmeiba Nino Anatolyevna explained that they need to be taken for a longer time, perhaps for the whole life. Nobody can say that.
I can say that psychotherapy for depression and treatment does not solve all problems, but it helps to open your eyes and gives direction on where to go next. My condition was like a vicious circle, when you do not see a way out. And here they show you – here you are, the door is open, you have to go there. But how you go through – it will already depend on you. They help you to go. The main job is working with oneself.
My condition was like a vicious circle, when you do not see a way out. And here they show you – here you are, the door is open, you have to go there. But how you go through – it will already depend on you.
Since December 2018, I have moved to live in Italy. I will have a wedding ceremony on February 25th . The wedding will not be big , everything will be quite modest. But I ‘m getting married. I live in the suburbs of the province of Turin. Not in an apartment, my fiance bought a house with a garden. Communication with nature, fresh air and, probably, everything that many people dream of.
When I was asked as a teenager: “ When will you get married?”, I said: “Never! Never!” Relationships with young people and then with men did not work out for me . More often than not, I was scared and ran away from the relationship. In 37 years of my life, I have never had a long-term relationship. And now the first deep and deliberate, serious relationship has happened . This is new, this is unusual, and I love it.